THE Problem

Okay, see. I know I’m not a very good person, but I try, alright? I try keeping everyone happy and I try suppressing my demons (who make me ‘not a very good person’), but after so much struggle with myself, so many internal conflicts, my demons win every time and I come out as a bad guy not only in the eyes of others but in my own perspective as well.

So I mean to figure out why that happens and what can I do to thwart those dwellers of the dark?

Now my theory of life is- whenever something happens to you, good or bad, one individual cannot be solely responsible for it. Let me focus on the bad part, because that is what seems to be happening to me since long. So if something bad happens, you cannot blame someone else for it solely. You’ve got to take responsibility for it too. On the other hand, you cannot take responsibility for it entirely, there’s got to be some problem with the other concerned party.

So let me first take responsibility. I’m owning up for whatever bad keeps happening to me. It is because I react too emotionally. Whenever anything is put to me, I first send the emotional part of me to deal with it, later comes the logic. But by the time logic comes into play, the deed is done!  I’ve already reacted! And believe me, those reactions are not very decent.

Also, I’m someone who wants to be among people, amidst laughter and chatter, I want people to love me, to respect me, I try to love everyone, I try to respect everyone. But this is not possible! You cannot love everyone, it’s not real to respect everyone. These things are not practical. We are human beings. So this is the second complication.

Third is- my ego. Yes, I have a monstrously huge ego within me, which stirs every time someone prods it with the stick of seeming superiority. And not only does this makes things difficult for me, it also makes sympathizing for me difficult, despite the large hoard of my woes.

(I’ll keep adding them up here as they come to me.)

But as I’ve said before also, anything does not happen without two parties being involved in it, equally or no.

The problem with the world is- it’s too selfish. But you cannot blame it for that. Since there is no organization out there which looks out for people, they have to look out for themselves. And while doing so, a bit of selfishness is inevitable. But without realizing, the world stretches that ‘bit’ to such an extent that at a point it becomes unbearable. And then you want to run away, to somewhere where there are no people, there’s just you and the trees and the wind or maybe nothing at all. Afterlife seems an appealing choice to some people, and no wonder.

Why?

It’s very rare that I get alone time with my laptop, at least in this hostel, and this is one of those very rare moments. And much, though, do I love to do a hundred thousand things in my free time (at least I claim to do so), this is not something I ever expected to do and it has struck me quite unexpectedly. (yeah, I know I repeated the same phrase twice in the same sentence, but I’m not doing this for honing my literal skills-even though that will happen along). Also, I know that it won’t be possible for me to keep up with this regularly. In fact, while writing this paragraph itself, there have been several breaks. It’s because this is something I don’t want to share with anyone, something which I am doing to understand myself, however far-fetched or dramatic it sounds.

I know that people in life have got real problems, things which may mean life or death, issues which may or may not result in a lifetime of more problems. Yes but that does not in any way mean that your problems are less important. Some people lose their jobs, some people lose their loved ones- ones without whom they did not imagine life-some people may even lose parts of their bodies. These are serious things from which one can maybe never recover. Me? I don’t have any problems with such severity. I am a whole person; a student in a respectable institution; a future-practitioner of a respectable profession; with my parents, my sister and a person whom I love with all the consistencies of the world. So yeah, no issues.

But I find myself struggling within, struggling and fighting furiously. I don’t understand why. That is what I mean to find out. What are my struggles? Why do I struggle? Against what do I struggle? Do I win? Or do I see a delusional victory to satisfy my ego? Can I stop it? How can I stop it? What if I can’t stop it? Do I have a monster within me which is cursed to dwell along with the shadows in me? I mean to find this out, however long it takes me to do so.