Why?

It’s very rare that I get alone time with my laptop, at least in this hostel, and this is one of those very rare moments. And much, though, do I love to do a hundred thousand things in my free time (at least I claim to do so), this is not something I ever expected to do and it has struck me quite unexpectedly. (yeah, I know I repeated the same phrase twice in the same sentence, but I’m not doing this for honing my literal skills-even though that will happen along). Also, I know that it won’t be possible for me to keep up with this regularly. In fact, while writing this paragraph itself, there have been several breaks. It’s because this is something I don’t want to share with anyone, something which I am doing to understand myself, however far-fetched or dramatic it sounds.

I know that people in life have got real problems, things which may mean life or death, issues which may or may not result in a lifetime of more problems. Yes but that does not in any way mean that your problems are less important. Some people lose their jobs, some people lose their loved ones- ones without whom they did not imagine life-some people may even lose parts of their bodies. These are serious things from which one can maybe never recover. Me? I don’t have any problems with such severity. I am a whole person; a student in a respectable institution; a future-practitioner of a respectable profession; with my parents, my sister and a person whom I love with all the consistencies of the world. So yeah, no issues.

But I find myself struggling within, struggling and fighting furiously. I don’t understand why. That is what I mean to find out. What are my struggles? Why do I struggle? Against what do I struggle? Do I win? Or do I see a delusional victory to satisfy my ego? Can I stop it? How can I stop it? What if I can’t stop it? Do I have a monster within me which is cursed to dwell along with the shadows in me? I mean to find this out, however long it takes me to do so.